


Case Files, The

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-08-31
Updated: 2001-08-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 09:10:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11332734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: C-Note can make some people sing.





	Case Files, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

The Case Files by Ursula

Title: The Case Files  
Author/pseudonym: Ursula  
Fandom: X-Files  
Pairing: M/K Sk/K Special K  
Rating: NC-17  
Status: Submitted as proof of insanity  
Archive: Anywhere, as a complete story. If you have a constructive critique and wish to use a portion, contact me directly.  
E-mail address for feedback: or   
Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: No, I have some mercy!  
Other websites: My page at RATB, thanks to Ned & Leny: http://www.squidge.org/terma/ursula/ursula.htm  
Disclaimers: Crayons left in your pocket when in the dryer will produce stains that won't come out. German Shepherds shed. Australian Shepherds stare at you. Chris Carter owned the characters, poor characters!  
Notes: C-Note can make some people sing.  
Time Frame: Tried to frame time, but it got me instead.  
Warning: This is not as story, but the over-flow of repressed puns from my over-heated brain. It contains puns that would be a cause for execution in some nations, violent images, and no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Oh, and it's gross too.

* * *

The Case Files

Agent Mulder looked up into the stern, surly, but caring face of his immediate supervisor, Assistant Director Walter Skinner. A white dress shirt strained over his bulging biceps. His wire rims helped draw attention to his warm brown eyes. The man dusted a few ashes from his shirt and said, "You know how you and Scully complain that you can't get anything done and need help?"

"Yes, sir," Mulder said uneasily. He hoped Walter wasn't going to allude to the amount of time Mulder wasted having sex with him. After all, Mulder usually kept reading UFO reports until he came. He found visitors from Uranus were particularly stimulating in this respect.

"Damn," Scully said from her corner of the office as she completed her fifth autopsy of the day. She took off her gloves and rubbed her dainty, but skillful hand over the UPC mark on her forehead. She said, "Mulder, just because this corpse has an important body part missing doesn't mean that a serial killer mutilated him. There are cases on record of babies being born without one."

"Right, Scully," Mulder mumbled. He looked at Walter noticed a suspicious bulge moving near the man's pocket. That was odd. Walter's hands were nowhere near the lump.

"You know the budget committee wonders why I need two agents in the X-Files. They say that they are more interested in illegal aliens than aliens from outer space. Fortunately, a private party has donated the money to add an agent. Here he is...Mulder, Scully, this is Little Agent Krycek."

Whipping something out of his pocket, Walter smiled and said, "I've already found that Agent Krycek is good undercover, Mulder. For a green agent, he performs admirably."

"Isn't he just cute!" said Scully, a Barbie and Ken hungry expression on her face as she saw the eleven inch tall agent.

Nodding, Walter said, "The good thing is that you can blow him up to full size when needed, but he stores nicely and doesn't require a desk of his own."

Setting the miniature agent on the desk, Walter said, "Agent Krycek, thank you for letting me know about that hole in my pocket. I'll think about having it repaired."

The small man held out his hand and said, "Agent Mulder, I've heard so much about you. Some guys at the academy used to make fun of you, but the professors who gave you oral exams speak highly of you."

Ignoring the hand, Mulder grabbed the agent, opened his clothing, and proceeded to blow him up to full size. The miniature agent quickly expanded to six feet and one inch tall, seven inches long.

"Oh, I do like how you say hello! I'm ready to start work now," Alex remarked. "Wait, just a second."

The young agent flung himself around AD Skinner, wrapped long, long legs around the man's torso and proceeded to perform a tonsillectomy with his tongue. Walter did not attempt to fend the sweet thing off. To save Scully's delicate feelings, Mulder steered the entwined agents into a closet, stepped inside, and didn't come out of the closet for a very long time. Even after he emerged with his tie askew and his mind or something lower blown, Mulder remembered not to tell and no one asked.

The case file was that of a serial killer despite Scully's assertion that it was plausible that a vast number of deformed victims died spontaneously after crawling to an alley, wrapping themselves in plastic, and shutting themselves in a dumpster. Mulder found a cramped computer cubicle with room only for Krycek and him to study the file. Scully, ticked off, went to visit Agent Pendrell in the lab. 

Wedging his hip tightly against Mulder's, Krycek said, "I got this from my buddy in the New York police department. "

"Wow, I haven't seen a hickey like that since the sea monster finally caught Lee Crane in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea," Mulder said, examining the pretty neck.

"Mulhdah, I meant the evidence photos!" Krycek growled, but he fluttered his eyelashes as if to invite Mulder to leave his mark on him too.

Hard to concentrate on business when you were...hard, but Mulder tried. He said, "The crime scenes are exact duplicates of each other. The victims are all extremely neat and clean. He even appears to have bought them clean underwear. Their mothers would have been so proud."

"Mulder, you're the profiler," Krycek said to the side of the senior agent's face.

Leaning back, Mulder said, "He's obsessively neat, and clean, penurious as the underwear is the cheapest available and the plastic wrap is recycled. He may have a background in law enforcement, as he seems aware of police procedure. He left no physical evidence at the scene."

"The victims were all left in the dumpsters behind Middle Eastern restaurants. Do you think he could be Middle Eastern?" Alex asked. 

"No, I think that is to throw us off track. However, since he is a creature of rigid habit and pattern, we can use that. Walter said you were good undercover. We'll test that out," Mulder said.

It wasn't exactly what Walter had meant. Mulder meant that he would plant Alex at a possible crime scene. 

Walter's version of undercover had been different. Alex had never experienced such a rigid probing interview in all his brief years as the Assistant Director gave him. Still he had overcome the stiff inquiry...

However, Alex could adapt. He quietly huddled among the past ripe fruit and vegetables, waiting for the arrival of the serial killer. It was raining and Alex thought that the serial killer might be staying home. He shivered as he was only clad in the sticky, sweet skin of a dried fruit. He was a bit large for the genre, but no one should look too closely at him. 

Hearing a sound, Alex thought, 'Ah, a bite!' But in fact, it was a real bite...

A large rat scurried and despite the attempt to wave the rodent away, Alex was grabbed and dragged by the cat sized rodent. Only a quick stab with the plam he had carved out of a Master Card and never left home without saved Alex from being ravished by the Norwegian Rat. Meanwhile, he caught a glimpse of a large dark figure wrapped in a protective suit. The man opened the dumpster and threw something in. He stared around him, laughed madly before running away.

When Mulder came to check in a few hours, Alex was clinging to an abandoned thong as the ditch filled with water. Shivering, he screamed, "Help me, help me!"

A tiny voice from nearby dispiritedly muttered, "Give it up. All it gets you is swatted."

Alex saw a fly caught in a web, only it had a human head and hand. Wow, if only he could have caught it for Mulder who had a great interest in flies.

A large hand reached into the trench and rescued Alex, wrapping him in a large handkerchief. "Alex, what happened?"

"I was ditched like a bad date," Alex quavered.

"Oh, poor baby," Mulder cooed. "Did you see anything?"

"I was already treading water by the time the guy showed up but I did see that the man appeared to be an older African American male," Alex said shivering.

"He didn't say anything about Jell-O, did he?" Mulder said, a horrible fear striking through him.

"No, this was a bigger man and despite a demented laugh; he did not seem like the joking type," Alex said.

"I can only say that I am glad that my childhood illusions are safe. Don't worry, Alex, we'll get him."

Tucked into Mulder's pocket for warmth, Little Agent Krycek made himself at home. Nothing like hot sex to warm up the bones so Alex curled up warmly next to a nice hot cock, finding it better than a water bag by far.

>>>>O<<<<

Somewhat later, Alex relaxed into Mulder's arms. He was full size and holding due to the stalwart efforts of Walter, who was willing to wear a cock-ring for hours and plug the main escape valve, which caused Alex to deflate to his Ken doll size. A nudge every once in a while made the sacrifice worth while. Alex said, "The man seems to know every move. Have we considered that this could be an inside job? The work of someone in law enforcement, someone neat, precise, orderly, who might be repressing hidden homicidal urges?"

Fists of fury struck at poor Alex, dislodging his lover and causing him to careen wildly around the room as he deflated suddenly. Walter chased him around the room, stiff cock bobbing in time to his movements. He looked as if he was performing an X-rated butterfly catching dance.

Finally, rescuing the now pint-sized beauty, Walter scowled at Mulder and asked, "What the hell was that about?"

"He was accusing Dana Scully!" Mulder said, "He described her to a t."

"The description could fit me as well," Walter said.

"No, I don't think so. Besides, you were with me most nights when the killings happened," Mulder said. He picked up Little Agent Krycek and blew him up again, keeping a thumb in place to keep him at full size. "Sorry," he said. 

"I don't think it was Scully unless she is a shape-shifter," Alex said. "I'll go back undercover."

Two days later, a satisfied group of agents crawled out of Mulder's apartment. Alex, shrunken back to an easily concealed form, chose an eggplant skin as his disguise. He had a pair of GI Joe binoculars to help him keep an eye on the dumpster, which was next in the orderly progression. So far, the pattern of the killings had formed three legs of the letter 'X'. Mulder had figured this out when he and Alex were playing tic tac toe on the map that had pushpins to show the killing dump sites. If the Special Agent was right, the man had to dump a body here tonight.

Mulder, Skinner, and Scully along with assorted other FBI agents, available at your finer law enforcement wholesalers anywhere, waited in concealment. However, the killer was incredibly knowledgeable of his foes. Just at the crucial moment, a purveyor of doughnuts and coffee appeared, luring the agents to take their legally entitled coffee break. 

Fifteen minutes later, Mulder yelled, "Curses, foiled again."

Removing the aluminum foil that suddenly appeared, Mulder shook his fist at TPTB. Damn woman never gave him a decent break!

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE ALLEY

Brave Little Agent Krycek was determined not to lose the man again. As he realized he had no backup, he rushed out with his assortment of action toy weapons. He could only reach the tailored pants leg and stab at the trousers repeatedly. The man jumped around, trying to throw him off as if he was a toy poodle bent on amorous violations of the ankle of the killer.

Bright lights flooded the darkness and revealed...

"Assistant Director Kersh!" Walter yelled. 

"Skinner," the man shouted back.

"Kersh"

"Skinner"

"Kersh"

This might have gone on all night, but Mulder rushed in and yelled, "I should have known. I was right when I told Scully..."

Agent Scully whipped out her plastic gloves to examine the corpse that Kersh had been carrying and said, "You were right, Mulder. This man's anus has been surgically removed. Where could Kersh be keeping the severed organs?"

Someone had to ask and poor Scully was a born straight man.

Leaping up, Alex caught the man's zipper and pulled it down, revealing a tiny cock, enhanced with tanned rings of skin. 

Mulder said, "Two years ago, I said the man was...."

"The most anal retentive prick in the FBI"

       

Ducking and running, Ursula goes to hide behind a barrel of puns.

  
Archived: July 13, 2001 


End file.
